Walgreens is really ticking me off lately. For the last 4 days, our AC has been out and it's been ranging from 78-83 degrees when we're used to it being 71 or 72 (and still sweating bc there are 15 people back there...well like 10)...And TODAY they moved it up to an urgent "ticket". Give me a break...And a girl I work with, they wont let her have Sundays and Wednesdays off because it's not "fair scheduling". Which is pissing me off because it's like only us kids have to deal with that shit...I told my boss today that if the air got up to 85 I was leaving and not coming back till it got fixed...I don't work outside BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE SWEATING!!! They want us to dress all nice, sure thing when it's steaming back there..

Other news......Please say your prayers for my Grandpa and Cameron Neptune..Both of them passed away on 04/30 and could both probably use tons of prayers.

I just took my final for Ant2511....I think I am gonna get a C in both classes...When did I become an average student?? I hope I do better this semester coming up...I'm excited!

Well I am gonna go to bed, or maybe watch a show and then go to bed...

Goodnight all!!

Well, this past week has really been a doozy. First, one of my very good friends was diagnosed with Aplastic Anemia, which means the bone marrow stops producing enough new blood cells, white and red. He is in the hospital in Orlando and I have not been able to get down there to see him. And then on Monday, Virginia Tech suffered a horrible attack in which 32 students, plus the shooter, were killed. I have been walking around literally shocked all week. It is amazing to me that you can do all you want to prevent getting sick or getting hurt, and in the blink of an eye you can wind up in the hospital with a possibly life threatening disease, which is not very common AT ALL, by the way, or get rampaged in the classroom of your school that you're supposed to feel safe in...with no warning, no time to say goodbye, nothing...What if those kids had a fight with their parents that morning, or the night before, or hadn't had time to call? It could have just as easily been a classroom at FSU...We played the Hokies 2 years ago in the 1st ever football ACC Championship, and they just had a horrible thing happen to them....I just don't get it...This is soo sad......I wanted this to be longer but I am tired..........

Today, we are all Hokies.

I feel like Mr. Harper used to say that but I can't remember.

I got in a car accident Monday. I was in the right turn lane turning right & there is one of those green "right turn" arrows when the people on the intersecting street have a green left turn arrow. Anyway I turned and there was a girl making an illegal turn (not a u-turn, there is a gas station on the corner...lots of people do it..) anyway she slammed right into my driver side door. It then slammed into my hip so I went to the hospital bc it washurting and I didnt want it to be any worse when I got up the next morning because my door won't open and i have to climb over the seat and whatnot. SO I got some muscle relaxers which could be why this is making little to no sense. They called it a hip contusion which is basically swelling & bruising of the hip. I also asked the doctor a random question about another pain I have been having and he said in most women my age that would be ovarian cysts..Great. If I ever get ahead in life, we'll have a party.

So here are some pics..Sorry, I don't know how to do the cut thing but it's okay because I never post pics and ya'll will just have to deal with it.



I had just gotten my hair cut..This is before it happened.




























So there they are.

Possibly the best thing that came out of this was me realizing how little Kevin actually cares. I called him freaking out when it happened and left him a message and also texted him and called again when I decided I was going to the ER. He never even called to see if I was okay or anything.......It's kind of a huge slap in the face EVERY time someone from the insurance asks me "if anyone came with me to the hospital"..It's embarassing I have to say no.

I'm going back to bed, just wanted everyone to know what's going on

I haven't gone to class in 2 days. I suck so bad. Why do I do this to myself? I need to start going to bed like really early so I can get my ass out of bed. This morning I was so pissed. The mower guys were like right outside my window for like 1/2 hour. I had a really long dream about Kevin last night. Of course it was good too. Damn it. I don't miss him. I don't miss him. I don't miss him.

I also had this other REALLY weird dream. I was riding a bus to school and our bus got there but there were no other buses. Later on we found out that they had all been in a serious crash with one another and we were waiting on them to get to the school. Well we were all praying and stuff and they were building a wooden cross and had nails on it so someone could hang on it? And the person who we put up there, as soon as she got the last hand hooked to the cross (we didn't nail her) all of the buses turned the corner and in my dream I was soooo amazed. And I would tell everyone and start crying. So weird.

I think it could be the medicine I'm taking. I feel really jumpy but tired when I take it. Not sure what that's all about.

I'm going to WalMart later and buying some clothes to work out in. I am cancelling my membership with Women's World and going to start going to the Leach. I got myself a locker and everything so I am gonna start going there soon. In fact I'm calling the guy right now so I can cancel the membership....Well he didn't answer and his mail box is full. Oh well.

MAN I really need to get motivated.

I bought a Playstation 2 yesterday so I am waiting on that to get here. Yippy!

I guess I'm gonna go to WalMart. I don't have anything better to do and if I get moving I might be motivated enough to do something else productive.

Well..I'm sitting here trying to waste time. Class got out early (like 12) and I don't have another class for an hour and 1/2! It's alright though because I am just relaxing and loving finally being a college student again.

Today was my first day coming to class. Boy was parking a BIOTCH! I drove around the parking garage for about 1/2 hour...to no avail! I finally said F this and went over to the stadium and got a spot in the second row..I guess I should just stop being lazy and go where I know there is parking. I need to walk walk walk walk walk walk anyway. I plan on going to the gym and ellipticalling myself to death tonight. I was walking to the bus stop today at the stadium and this girl kept smiling at me while I was walking up so I sort of just smiled back...and she looked at me but then looked away when I sat down.....When she got up later I realized she was pregnant and prolly thought I was too. AHH DAMN IT! So that's why I'm burning about 10,000 calories tonight..I am so tired of people thinking I'm pregnant..it's so embarassing.

I have gotten so addicted to Yahoo! Answers. You sign up and get points every time you answer a question...I guess it passes the time...

Speaking of passing the time, I'm thinking about buying a Playstation 2...anyone got any ideas of a different game console I might like better or any props on the PS2? I don't want to pay a shitload of money for games/console...PS2 is only like 120 or something now and the games aren't that bad...What do you think? Or should I go towards computer games more? I'm trying to get AWAY from the computer is the only thing...

So last night I was on the phone with Tina and realized something...I'm finally turning back into my old self...I'm not really that depressed (yet) and just enjoying being able to have friends to shoot the shit with...When friends called when I was at Kevins he would act like it was such a huge deal..and Heaven forbid it was a man calling!! Ahhh it's so nice to have my life back...

I guess I'm gonna go now...I have a book I need to keep reading...
It's called a breakup because it's broken

Lovin it.

I hate updating about how me and Kevin broke up and then updating again how we broke up again. This time I really hope it's for good. I don't want to disclose details. Basically Kevin is not interested in my feelings and when I get upset and cry he just calls me a crybaby and tells me I need to grow up. I went home after this happened and he called me this morning. Basically he was too busy reading a letter to work our problems out so I told him to F Off and hung up and hadn't heard from him all day. I got off at 5...Got home and settled about 5:30...Took a nap..called him at 8:30..He asks where the hell I have been..I told him napping..he doesn't believe me..Cmon like I would be anywhere else...gimme a break! Anyway it came down to "I don't have the time to wait around for my boyfriend to care enough to actually work things out with me" and he said "okay BYE then!" and I hung up..Haven't heard from him since but it hasn't even been 2 hours, there's still a lot of time left to hear from him. Only thing is this time my phone is on silent. I left him a voicemail and told him I am beyond through and stuff. I really hope this time I stick with it though...I'm sooo tired of being hurt. I told him it hurts more for him to tell me he loves me and say and do the things he does to me...than it hurts for him to leave...so I was leaving him until he could get his priorities straight. I don't need someone that I HAVE to be 5th or 6th on his list..I don't need someone with a kid and grandparents that need tending to and shit like that...I need someone who will do something for ME for a change! Someone who has the time in the day to stop watching TV or talking on the phone and pay some attention to me. I go there the second he okays it to sit and watch him watch TV...What's funny about that is that while the Penn State-Florida State game was on, I wanted to watch the FINAL play and didn't get to bc he was too busy wanting to make out and when I looked away he bitched me out for it!! But he watches show upon show and doesn't even speak to me...let alone kiss me. Fuck. I was doing so good not crying. I hate him for what he's done to me. He has drained every bit of my soul from me. I am so completely lost and alone. I really want to drive home like right now. But I work tomorrow. Going home is not a possibility until the end of June. But I really need to like right this second. :( I really wish my parents lived closer...I'm so fucking alone. Now my roommate who I used to share my food with (I moved all of it into my room the other day) is knocking on my door so I can only see great things coming from that...Blah. I'm so tired of life. Someone save me from this shit. Reassure me. Support me. Anything:(

Well, it's finally happened. Miss Burdett has inspired me to go on a diet. I guess it wasn't all her. It could be the customers that once a week ask me IF I KNOW WHAT IM HAVING or HOW FAR ALONG AM I or WHEN AM I DUE....What the fuck? I know I can't really look that pregnant? That's so depressing...ESPECIALLY SINCE IM NOT PREGNANT!! This girl last night came in with a plan B prescription and I told her we'd get it ready for her...she went and got ice cream and I was like "yum, TCBY" and she's like "oh yeah i should have got you some girl I forgot you was havin a baby!!" I wanted to die. I want to die right now remembering. The she asked if I knew what I was having and I said I wasn't. She was like Oh Im sorry girl. :( Anyway.

So I decided this must stop. I must lose this weight. Obviously since more and more people are asking the question...I must be looking more and more pregnant. I'm on my period though so I mean...I hope it's not faking me out and I really am pregnant!

So anyway I've decided to go on a diet/exercise plan. I really feel like this time it will work. I will not fail. I can't anymore.

I'm not eating out anymore. I'm only going to drink soda with lunch and dinner. I'm going to make sure I eat breakfast every morning. I bought an assload of Lean Cuisines yesterday (they were on sale 10 for 15 bucks) so I'm going to eat at least one of those a day. As for snacks...applesauce, small bowl of cereal, fruit, crackers and cheese, string cheese, cheese cubes, yogurt, etc.. I'm going to start going back to the gym every day doing the circuit thing and starting SLOWLY on the elliptical. 5 min of warmup on the treadmill and 5 min on the elliptical and adding 2.5 min every week...Because I try to do it longer and I really get myself down because I have no endurance at all.. basically I have not exercised much at all since my freshman year in highschool when I had Personal Fitness! I bought some Crystal Light (flavored water) and plan on drinking that and regular bottled water more often. I'm aiming for 1200 calories a day. Actually, that IS the limit. At least until I see some results. I'm going to be keeping a food/exercise journal and start taking my vitamins again...and most important, work on getting all my food groups in every day!

That's a lot of rules..But I need a lot of them. Anyway..just wanted to update...No one does anymore so I thought if I did that someone else might lol...See ya'll!

Well I guess I'm bored and a little lonely so I don't know why I look to something where I talk to myself. But oh well.

My parents just left Tallahassee about 5 hours ago. They got up here yesterday afternoon and like an hour later I got a call from Walgreens saying I had to be there. I was so upset I just started crying. They let me get off at 7 instead of 8 and we went to the mall to buy me some pants and then to Logan's Roadhouse. Wow. It was the best meal I have ever had out I think! Everything down to the baked potato was the best I've ever had. Then we got some coffee to go and they brought it back to their hotel room so they could do cream and sugar and we stayed there for like 1/2 hour then came to my apartment to get my clothes and went back to the hotel. I really hate how my parents have to see me so unhappy. I know it hurts them to see me like this. It makes me even more unhappy to know that I'm hurting them whenever I see them. I was doing so good for a while not crying when they left and not crying every time I left. What the hell am I doing with my life? Why am I settling and staying with Kevin when I am so unhappy? How can I love someone who hurts me so much?

I'm waiting on him to fuck up one more time. There is no more threatening, name calling...nothing. I can't handle being threatened and then my stupid ass going back and being hurt because he doesn't see anything wrong with what happened. Last time we got into a fight and he threatened me he never even apologized for being such an ass.

Oh great now I can't stop crying:-/

I really miss home. I'm really thinking about going back for a little while. Maybe if I could transfer to a Best Buy or something with that HP job I could pull it off. I really don't want to give up everything I have up here though. I just want my life back. I don't know how to do that. I wish Kevin would just leave me. And that be the end of it. Can't he sense that I'm unhappy? Even if he can he probably doesn't care. Last time I got back to Tallahassee I layed down with him and got upset because I missed my parents and he's like "this crying has GOT to stop"...didn't even ask me what was wrong.

When Kevin and I break up...there will be no more men for me for a LOOOONG time. I never imagined growing up being in this kind of a relationship. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think someone could do this to me.

I'm gonna go now.

I'm tired of everyone pointing out how much I have changed...how different I've become...why can't ANYONE just support me and try to stand by my side? Why does everyone have to judge me? I am so alone right now. I feel so alone right now. Everyone's waiting on me and pressuring me to do something I'm not ready to do. How come no one understands? I just want to die.

The other day I was working at Walgreens on Appalachee Pkway and this lady asked me where the AZO is...I immediately laughed in my head that this old woman was buying AZO and told her it was on the wall and she was like I dont see it andI stormed out of the pharmacy saying "People are so fucking helpless" to the pharmacist on duty.......She then tells me it's so nice to see a young girl working and I was so sweet for showing her and she was just not able to find it and she was the nicest old lady I've ever met and I feel so bad still even thinking about what I said....for the first time ever in my whole life I felt compelled to say sorry for something she had no idea I said.

My mom called me tonight and I was on the phone with Kevin...I had been crying and I called her back...she spent 45 minutes talking to me about it and trying to make me feel better and all I could think was when can I get off the phone so I can call him back.....only for him to BREAK UP WITH ME. What have I seriously ever done to anyone to make someone feel so compelled to treat me like this.....why why why why why why....I put my heart and soul and every ounce of energy into this relationship and he can just throw it away like nothing. He doesn't even care I'm completely falling apart...I can't even speak bc I'm crying so much......He doesn't care....How can he not care? How can he tell me he loves me and be like this??? What the hell did I ever do to deserve this? Why doesn't he try 1/100 as hard as I do...why does it not matter that I spent so long waiting for him? Why is my heart..my emotions..my life why are they a game to him??? How can somebody think so LITTLE of someone to put them through this?? I'm scared I'll never stop crying...I'll never be able to love again...I literally feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest....how could you let someone make you their reason for living and just wipe them completely out of your little world............when you can't even give up CIGARETTES...He can give up the "only woman he has ever loved" on the drop of a dime......but can't give up cigarettes if his life depended on it...He had no cigs the whole time he was in jail........and goes right back to them....What did I do so wrong??? I just want to scream and cry and kick things and never even wake up again................WHY did this happen to me?!!? WHYYY

I know you all will prolly think I'm an idiot but I called Kevin last night and left him a few messages...he called me back bc he couldnt understand the messages......at first he said let's take a break (this is where i should have jumped at the opportunity..) for a month but i would have no part of it...............it hurts that he acts like he would be able to last a month. i dont think he would be able to but who knows..anyway i fell apart and was like "how can you handle a month when i cant even handle 4 hours??" and he was like well amy come over u have 12 minutes to stop acting the way u do....so i went over there and things went okay...not great but okay....better than me sitting here looking at everything thinking how much it hurts....



i still dont know what im gonna do so dont think i just gave up on myself........it really means a lot what you all wrote to me yesterday...the victim advocate lady says it takes 7 (or 9??) times to walk away for good....I kind of lost count though. I go see her today so I guess I'll have a nice story to tell her...

thanks again...seriously.


i'm going to bed.

My life is so over....Kevin and I fought the other night and then decided we were going to work it out....we were going to put everything behind us and start over and we just loved each other so much and blah blah and today everything was so good...last night was sooo amazing in every aspect and thats as much as i am going to say...i was so happy today. then my friends boyfriend called and he had a hissy fit bc men arent allowed to call me...and then i told him im allowed to have men in my life...and he told me yeah in a life without me and blah blah i told him i used to have a bunch of guys in my phone for when i went home and wanted to hangout or something......and then he tells me i just had them in there so i could just find more dick and I slapped him (on the leg) bc thats insulting to me that he would say that knowing im not like that at all and he pushed me against the wall and acted like he was going to choke me.......so i scratched him and he told me to get out and if i ever called him again he would put a restraining order against me.....and hes called me 2 times since then....anyway his gramma saw me crying so im "not welcome there" anymore...he prolly just ran out to show her the scratches too....fucking piece of shit...anyway im scared hes gonna call the cops on me...............if something happens and the cops are called....any time it's for domesticviolence whoever is the "violent" one (me bc he has marks) has to be arrested......they HAVE to make an arrest if the cops are called for domestic violence.......but I thought he was going to chooke me...i was defending myself.....i was so scared....i have some of his money bc he had me go to taco bell earlier and he was like bring my money back but im scared to go bc i think he is gonna have the cops there so I can be arrested...so i tink im gonna bring him the money tomorrow morning i guess ill just tell him i cant get out of bed....i dont know...i re-read this and think he doesnt deserve me...what kind oif loving boyfriend controls you so much you cant get calls from any males at all without getting bitched at.....butwhy do i love him so much....why??? why do i want to die now that we're apart and i can have my social life back...and do what i want to do...and have all this free time...why do i still want to be with this asshole??/ wtf is wrong with me??/ WHAT? I hate myself right now....





----- i've been thinking about it........I'm scared no one will ever want me.....Kevin was the first person to make me feel good about my body and comfortable in my body...im scared no one will ever want to be with me the way I am...I'm fat...I have stretch marks that even MOTHERS dont have...Im not very experienced in the sexual department...im depressed.....who would want me now? im so scared to be alone the rest of my life..................

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=oxoamesteroxo
http://kevan.org/johari?name=oxoamesteroxo


I really want you guys to do both of these! One of them is the bad stuff, one of them is the good stuff..Thanks!

AW!!!

Here's some pics of Kevin








And some more pics cause I just love them.




These boys are too much:



More of them and the Walgreens crew later!

Well let's see...I THINK I learned how to put pics in my journal so you guys are about fucked because your friends page is gonna be FULL of pics!! HeeHee



I've been spending a lot of time on the computer..it's weird because I usually hate the computer...But I want to do so many things..I don't really chat just kind of look at Myspace things and stuff. Why? Who knows.



My whole body hurts...Why? Who knows.



LoL.



I'm dog-sitting today. Kevin and I got a bulldog puppy last night...He's 8 weeks old and sooo quiet and scared...I think the people who had him before must have abused him...He was the last puppy to be taken away from his mommy -- you can tell he's a momma's boy. Kevin was building a pin for him to be in but he isn't done with it and it was like 36 degrees this morning so we didn't want to leave him outside while it was so cold..







Ain't he cute? Don't mind the horrible shot you get of ME when you look at the picture. He's napping right now. Woops. I woke him up trying to take another picture.



I guess I don't have much else to talk about....Here are some other random pics......















More later if I did all of this right...lolol

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to McDonald's breakfast.

My roommate is so fucking nasty. She has a good heart, I guess. She bought a bunny in January....we aren't allowed to have pets in our apartment. She lets it run around her bathroom. Although it only runs around the bathroom, OUR WHOLE HOUSE SMELLS LIKE RABBIT ALL THE TIME!!!! She lets it shit all over the floor on the bathroom and when she walks into her room it drags in there...the rabbit has peed on the BRAND SPANKING NEW carpet more than once...I just called my apartment complex...they said if all 3 of the other roommates call it in, then the person with the animal has to pay....but if they find it in her room all 4 of us have to split it....but if we call a work order in and mention an animal, the only person that gets fined is the one who has it in the room...Anyway...I walked in our apartment today and it smelled like rabbit so I turned the air on and it made it WORSE blech...

Besides the gross rabbit, she has had dishes in the sink for over a week...She made a cake for Valentines Day before it was even here or maybe the day of and mixers and the bowl were still in the sink along with all of her other dishes....Someone cut up chicken and put a piece in the side that doesn't have a garbage disposal...My parents were here this weekend and saw the mess....It was still there today when I decided to man up and wash HER dishes...I'd say maybe 4 or 5 things in there were mine, mostly butter knives!! But instead of washing them I am using the dishwasher, who the hell cares if the bill goes up because she is to irresponsible to wash her dishes?

On top of all that, she has the NERVE to call me this morning at 6:15 to tell me her and Rich fell asleep last night and his truck got towed and she was just letting me know because later on her and Rich would need a ride to the towing place...like I'm her fucking slave? She was like well can't you do it after you drop Kevin off for work? Uh sure, let me just slap a sign on my car and make some money while I drive all you hobos around! It just kind of made me mad that she expected me to just jump right out of bed and bring her and her boyfriend to the towing place..Why? Because they're BOTH irresponsible. I am going to stop now before I go on for days.

Kevin and I have been doing good lately...Last night we kind of got into a fight but it's over (I think?) and we're okay...Yesterday was our 6 month anniversary. But we're celebrating tonight:):):) I thought I broke my hand last night...It happened during our fight...My car is now dented where I slammed my fist into it...That kind of sucks..it's not broken, just bruised I guess. The doc gave me some "good" pain pills...FUCKING LODINE!!! I WANT TO CUT MY HAND OFF AND YOU GIVE ME FUCKING LODINE????????????? AHhh....Doctors. He also changed my depression medication...he wants to cut my lexapro down like this week do the 20, next 10, next 5...and then start taking Effexor...But I think if I get myself off of anti-depressants I want to stay off of them...Maybe they're what's making me so crazy.

For those of you that were interested...I did the wrap thing yesterday..I dont see much of a difference and neither does Kevin...they wrap you up and put you on an elliptical machine type thing (the gazelle) and it's really uncomfortable..DEFINITELY NOT WORTH YOUR MONEY..the whole time they are trying to sell you vitamins and supplements.....it was pretty much a crock of shit...The lady told me I lost 15 inches overall....I don't see one inch gone except maybe a little on my stomach..I personally think she stretched it out and made up numbers...It was $99.....for what you ask? Nothing. Except a fight with Kevin. I told him I was going to class bc I wanted to suprise him and look good.......Hah! It ran over and I called him an hour late, he was worried and pissed off that I lied about going to class...and he told me to my facehe didn't see any difference...that was kind of saddening because I saw a little bit:-/

I went to the gym on Monday and yesterday and my arms and abs hurt so bad I can barely move lol....I'm soo tired..I think today I will take a break and just do some homework..I feel like I'm finally getting motivated...I hope I keep going in this direction because it's better than backwards like I was going...*sigh*

I guess that's it for now...Weird I'm actually updating...2 times in 2 days..Impressive!